It was impossible to tell its true colour, as it had been tinted so many times it contained all the colours of the rainbow. Her hair had so much lacquer on it that it stuck up like Ken Dodd’s and frightened the horses. So she had great big red lips, where the lipstick had been badly applied, great big black eyes, where the mascara had been badly applied, great big eyebrows where the eyebrow-stuff had been badly applied, and big rosy cheeks where the blusher had been badly applied. This little girl went by the name of Gaudy Looks, as there were so many females in her house that there was never a chance for her to put her make-up on in front of the mirror because it was always being used.

While they were away, a child of the female persuasion, who wasn’t an orphan as in most stories of this ilk, but came from a large family of forty-two sisters so was probably Catholic, arrived at their house after getting lost in the forest whilst looking for the nearest Safeway before it got taken over by another multinational and lost it’s corporate identity. This particular day, the three bears, Mummy, Daddy and Baby bear, who in fact wasn’t quite a baby and could walk and talk and climb trees for honey, so should really have been called Agedly-As-Yet-Unchallenged Bear, went for a walk in the forest, looking for fruits and honeycombs. Once upon a time, three bears had an unfortunate experience with humans, or with one human being to be precise.

Goldilocks three bears names